February 7th

Dear Mom,

This is it. One of the biggest days I've been preparing for since you left me last year.

I skipped my regular letter to you on Wednesday because I thought today was a more important day to write to you. A bigger day in my heart.

Happy birthday, Mom. If you were here there would be ice cream cake and a chocolate bar, and I'd have picked something out for you in the last few weeks from some town along the road.

We would laugh and you'd make a wish as you blew out the single candle while I took lots of pictures.

I've been planning for this day for several weeks now. Probably more than I would have if you were here. I've been planning for the soul crushing ache of your absence and scheduling every minute so I would be distracted till the actual time of your birthday came around. I planned to celebrate you with a paper boat folded and sent down the river near the RV park I'm camping at.

I know you can only plan for so much and I knew today would be the hardest day of this trip so far. Much worse than Dad's birthday, worse than the first few months when I was hollowed out by grief.

Maybe not as bad as the times I considered a world without me in it, but also, maybe worse.

I made sure my bracelet connecting me to Jasper had a full charge in case of a panic attack, and I deep cleaned my camper, doing all the laundry.

I planned everything down to the last minute so I would be ready for whatever came.

What I didn't plan for, and definitely couldn't have predicted was maneuvering my way into line at Ripley's Aquarium in Myrtle Beach only to hear my name being called.

My bracelet buzzed with our SOS code, and I glanced up to see Jasper jogging toward me. He was grinning and swooped me up in an enormous hug.

Did I immediately start crying and have to be led to the hallway leading to the bathrooms? I can neither confirm nor deny. What I can say is that I can't believe he knew, even with the many long conversations we've had over the last several months, I would need someone (him) here.

I know I have another really hard day coming in April, and I'm not sure how I will navigate it, but the comfort of Jasper's hand reaching out to get my attention so he can show me something cool, and knowing I don't have to be alone today of all days means the world to me.

My favorite part was the underwater tunnel, completely surrounded by water, with sharks swimming all around us. I spent close to an hour in there with only a few people interrupting my quiet. Watching the fish, and breathing deeply.

It was, perhaps, the most peaceful place I've found on the eastern coast.

Jasper's favorite was the penguins. I pulled up the museum's website and showed him the live penguin cam they have going all day and we watched the little birds diving underwater.

Aquariums have always been some of my favorite places ever since Mom and Dad took me to the Denver Aquarium when I was nine. There's something about watching animals that just go about their lives completely unconcerned with the fact their whole lives are on show for people around them.

I suppose we all live that way, some are just a bit more aware than others.

I still can't believe my early morning wake up call from Meg asking about my plans and being all non-judgy about how I'd over-planned everything was really just Jasper figuring out where he could find me.

I still can't believe we spent hours at the aquarium and then went for a picnic on the beach, building a sandcastle and staying dry from the waves.

I can't believe Jasper flew all the way across the country to be with me on this day when he knew I would need him.

But he did.

I wrote a note to you on a piece of paper and he drew beautiful little doodles all over it before we folded it into a paper boat and sent it down the river just like I'd planned.

And I cried. I cried for missing you and all the beautiful adventures we've missed out on and will miss out on for the rest of my life. I cried for the life I ran from when you died and the possibility of every future I'd ever imagined being erased at once.

I cried because when I first started crying Jasper wrapped his strong arms around me and let me cry till I had no more tears. He didn't say anything, just handed me tissues and rocked me back and forth.

I don't suppose this man has any idea of the power something like that has over a girl.

He took me back to my teardrop to clean my face and then we went for a walk and found an ice cream cart.

I didn't think you would mind if we ended up with ice cream cones instead of ice cream cake. I didn't think you'd mind if every once in a while, between sad thoughts of you, there was laughter and happy stories of when I was young, and just this wonderful peaceful feeling I didn't know was a possibility for me anymore.

And I think it would make you incandescently happy that we watched the sun set and then Jasper walked me back to my teardrop and before he left to go to his hotel, he kissed me gently then turned and left.

I think, as far as the one of the worst days of my life, it went okay.

I hope, wherever you are, your birthday was everything you wanted it to be.

I love you,

Bo