February 10th

Dear Mom,

Jasper is leaving tomorrow and I know I will miss him horribly. For all I wasn't expecting his visit, it's been like a balm to my soul. This trip, as wonderful and enlightening as it's been, has also been one of the most lonely experiences of my life. I'm not sure what a life lived around people who know and love me even looks like any more.

Also, I know you spent years telling me the boys I thought loved me weren't really seeing me for who I am, but I'm a little scared because I don't have anyone to tell me whether Jasper is really seeing me when he looks at me.

I have given pieces of my heart to person after person who I thought saw me for who I really was. Some of those pieces have been safe-guarded, some have been trampled, some of the people had to learn what it meant to be a part of my life and that's okay.

Yet, I've spent all these years, looking out through the cracks in the walls guarding my soul, not so much looking for some grand romantic love, as looking for one person who actually see's me. Not with some glorified halo, or a shameful coat, but who see's the cracks in my soul, the light in my eyes, and the love I am yearning to bestow. Who see's all of me, recognizes, understands, and just loves.

I can remember time after time I would just long for someone to look at me, understand me, know I'm more than just a random girl.

Several times over the last few days I would be telling Jasper a story and his face would light up, understanding dawning. Then he'd bring up something I said months ago in a phone call and tell me it finally makes sense for him why I reacted the way I did.

I don't understand a memory that is always looking to understand me. I don't understand how he could have approached the solitary girl who wanted nothing to do with him, and seen someone worth investing in.

I've never been a good girlfriend, always unsure, tip-toeing around issues that were important to me.

Nick steamrolled me and Neil pushed my boundaries constantly. It's only since I've had to make every single decision in my life that I've begun to realize the true potential of a life lived without allowing anyone's expectations of you to influence you.

I feel as though I have begun to learn how to be kind and strong. How to walk my path with boldness while allowing grace for the paths of others.

And Jasper, with his fingers interlaced with mine, has a way of maneuvering through the conversations I once would have avoided at all costs.

He also is incredibly patient with my foibles.

Like the fact that I write my letters to you on Wednesdays. He knows I just wrote you one on Sunday, but right now he's sitting on the step of my teardrop reading a book with one hand clamped around my ankle because it's all he can reach while I write this letter.

It's one of the best things I've ever seen, him sitting there, occasionally chewing on his thumb nail while he reads my book and waits for me to finish writing this so we can go check out an arboretum we found online.

I never expected to find this easiness in a relationship. And I know it's still the first few days, and we're all lovey-dovey and don't know what's real, but also, we've known each other for several months now and he's been unfailingly patient the whole time.

If I can learn anything from him, I hope to learn to be as kind and selfless as he is. To be able to see the people around me as more than a crowd to be lost in.

Over the last four days he repeatedly has noticed people, whether it be something they chose to wear, or their hair color, and complimented them.

He spent almost an hour this morning helping a little kid with his fishing pole at the river because the kid's mom wasn't sure how to string the lure.

I'm not the girl who sees a guy with a kid and melts, but his taking care of that boy and his immediate needs gave me a wonderful view of the kind of person he is.

I think you'd like him.

I think you'd meet him once and nod in approval. I remember when I first met him and my thought, walking away from him on the bluff overlooking the ocean was that you would want me to take a chance on a friendship with a perfect stranger.

That thought was right. I know deep in my soul that the pains and griefs that led me through the silly boys I dated and the men who thought they could control me, were leading me to this and him.

And I don't know if this will last forever, or if the distance between us will slowly leach away everything that's meaningful in it, but for now, with Jasper's fingers around my ankle and the sun shining down with warmth for the first time in weeks, I feel as though we have a chance at lasting for all of eternity. Like there's a chance that will we will be more than a shout into the void that is human existence.

He's leaving tomorrow, and all I'll have is the hoodie he's leaving behind because I appropriated it and the memory of his hand in mine and his lips against mine, and his soul opening up a little to show me how I've changed it just by existing.

I've never been a good girlfriend, but maybe I'll be a good long distance one.

I've decided you would approve of him and our relationship. That way I can imagine you smiling at us, shaking your head over our antics. I can imagine you here with us, making sure we're wearing sunscreen and not staying up too late.

I wish you were here.

I love you.

Bo.