April 21st

Dear Mom,

I almost can’t write because I’m crying. Tears dripping down my nose, my mascara (which I stupidly insisted on wearing), smudged under my eyes.

I think Jasper’s a little worried for me, but he’s just sitting on the floor at my feet, one arm wrapped around my calf while he reads a book. He’s using the note Meg sent with him for me as a bookmark.

I found the perfect man.

Deanna flew with us from Colorado and Jasper met us in Los Angeles. It was the longest flight of my life so far, and proved beyond a doubt that Jasper and I are still in the lovey-dovey stage because neither of us minded being able to talk that entire time.

We reached Honolulu early enough we were able to charter a flight to the big island, and Donovan and Darrah met us at the hotel.

They both gave Jasper the once over before wrapping me in warm hugs. He seemed a little nervous, but nothing like he was when he met Dad.

We had chosen early morning for our walk, the sun wasn’t even up when we started to the falls. It’s not a long hike, and at the base of the trail we were joined by a small group of people; Marc squeezed my arm, his other securely around Kris. Mr. G nodded gravely at me while his wife hugged me tightly.

Alex stood close by, talking quietly to Ethan. I hadn’t been sure he’d be able to make it after our brief introduction, but he’d even succeeded in convincing the service manager, Sam, who’d been so kind to me in Mississippi, to come along.

Taluta was there, deep in conversation with Donovan and Darrah. Finally, with a smile that made my eyes overflow, Nova took the hand Jasper wasn’t already holding.

I planned this meeting for almost a month, calling and texting, hoping everyone could make it.

These are the people. These humans are the reason I’m still alive. Meg and Tom, and these beautiful connections who pressed close around me as we started the short walk to the falls. I wish you could have met these delights and gotten to know their hearts.

We reached the falls right as the sun started to peek over the horizon. The water crashed over the rocks, and we lined up while I pulled your urn from my backpack.

I don’t think you ever heard of Rainbow Falls. I definitely never had until a few months ago. When the sun rose just high enough, it shone through the water rushing over the rocks and spread a rainbow across the pool.

If I have to say goodbye, and I know I do, I can’t think of a better place than in the middle of a rainbow, surrounded by my family.

We all stood there until the rainbow faded and your ashes were no longer visible. Until everything around us faded from the ethereal back to an earthly hue. Then, still clenching Jasper and Nova’s hands tightly, I started the walk back to the trail head.

I feel a little like I’m in a cloud, close to the group of people who dispersed after a subdued breakfast, but not quite part of them.

Donovan, Darrah and Nova are sticking with us for the next few days, exploring the island you and I were supposed to adventure through, and even with the fogginess of my brain I can feel the strangest sense of relief.

Because it’s over. This longest year, with the adventures, and dangers, every curve of the road bringing me a bit closer to this moment in Hawaii, writing this final letter to you.

You are an ever present thought in my mind, guiding me through the pitfalls of life. There will never be a moment I don’t wish you were still here with us, but for now, with the sun shining in the bluest sky I’ve ever seen and the ocean just a few steps from our door, I can believe it will be okay.

I knew this day and this letter would be hard. I knew it would re-break a part of my heart that might not recover again. Dad’s arms around me this morning while we said goodbye were wonderfully comforting, but I miss your arms. I miss your smile and your hair, and the way you protected me fiercely from the pains and troubles of life.

I want you back, with all the misunderstandings and arguments. I want the opportunity to apologize for the last time I saw you and how hard I slammed the door. I want to grow old watching my face turn into yours and learning to express with words and acts, and everything else, the exact worth of your soul to me.

But I have spent the last year curved in around the shards of my heart, my hands clenched around every memory and moment I had with you, afraid of losing what little I possess. It’s time to straighten my shoulders, take a deep breath, and unclench my fists. Allow the fear to leave, so hope has a place to stay.

I have lost what meant the world to me, and since been provided with happiness I would have thought impossible once.

Nova just knocked on the door asking if we’re ready to go to the beach and Dad and Deanna were hovering behind her, excitement lighting their faces. They’re waiting for me now.

So I close my eyes and savor the delights in my life. I appreciate them more because they could be taken from me at any point. I treasure each one like fine spun gold, which is exactly what they are.

I’ll take Jasper’s hand and we’ll walk the beautiful sands of the big island, looking toward the future you helped make possible.

You are still, and always will be, everything to me. I will hold you in my heart forever, so you’ll never actually be gone.

Goodbye Mom. You lived so well and loved so deeply. Farewell, and rest till time ends.

Bo.